The Unfairest of Them All Read online

“Hex no, we only get one yearly MirrorChat, and we already had it. I was, you know, thinking out loud. Pretend it was a joke.”

  Apple’s eyes widened. And then she forced a laugh. “Yes. Funny. Evil Queen is alive. Let’s chat with her. Great joke. Good times.”

  A loud knock on their door startled Apple. The door slammed open and Cerise hurried inside.

  “Raven, you should come. There’s something going on.”

  Raven and Apple both ran after Cerise—barely keeping up. They began to hear shouts.

  “You shouldn’t be in there!”

  “Get out or you’ll get us all in trouble!”

  Cerise led them down a flight of stairs and around the corner from the Muse-eum. A crowd of students was gathered outside a room Apple had only heard of before. The door resembled the cover of a book, the title engraved in the wood: A CHILDREN’S TREASURY OF FAIRYTALE HEIRLOOMS.

  The massive steel lock was open, and the door was ajar.

  Apple’s classmates stood in the hall, looking through the open door.

  “I didn’t mean to,” Blondie Lockes said as soon as she saw Apple. “I just touched the lock, it fell off, and the door swung open.”

  Apple sighed. Locks just gave up around Blondie. Her mother, Goldilocks, had been the same way, and the Three Bears had installed triple dead bolts.

  “You opened the Treasury door?” said Apple. “Who’s inside?”

  Laughter exploded out.

  “Curses,” said Raven. “It’s Sparrow Hood and his Merry Men.”

  Blondie stood in the threshold, gazing in. “Ooh, look at all the crowns!”

  “Blondie!” said Apple, going after her. As soon as Apple entered, the crowd in the hallway followed.

  “Apple, we should get out,” said Raven. “We’re making it worse.”

  “No way. I don’t trust Sparrow and his crew around these treasures,” said Apple. “Why, there’s my heirloom glass coffin! Hmmm, it looks a little snug.”

  “At least there’s no food to throw,” said Raven.

  Sparrow was examining a mannequin dressed in royal robes and adorned with jewels. A placard read: THE EMPEROR’S OLD CLOTHES.

  “Oh, hi, Apple,” said Sparrow. He slipped a gold ring off one of the mannequin’s fingers and began to toss and catch it. “All this talk about destiny has got me thinking. If destiny is as important as you say, then I really should be living up to mine.” He slipped the ring into his pocket.

  “Aren’t you going to stop him?” Raven asked.

  “I don’t know,” said Apple. “It is his destiny to steal from the rich and give to the poor.”

  “I’m sooo poor,” Sparrow lamented. “Ooh, good, riches!” He plucked another ring off the statue.

  “Sparrow, come on,” said Raven.

  “Oh, really, Raven Queen? You of all people are going to tell me to follow the rules?”

  Raven opened her mouth as if to shout, but she took a big breath and turned away, staying in the Treasury’s threshold.

  “Maybe I should abandon my destiny, too, just like Raven Queen,” said Sparrow. From a pedestal he picked up Dr. King Charming’s championship crown from when he was captain of the Dragon-Slaying Squad and put it on his head.

  Daring Charming marched in, the crowd parting for him. “Sparrow Hood, don’t you dare ruin anything else Royal. You already crowned me with corned beef hash.”

  “There’s jam on your hands, too,” said Sparrow. “I saw you throw a berry tart that struck Cupid.”

  “That was you?” Cupid asked. A lock of her dusty-pink hair was still stained red from the food fight.

  But Daring’s piercing blue eyes were targeted on Sparrow. “Take off my father’s championship crown.”

  “What’s the harm, Your Uppity Royal Highness?” said Sparrow. “Worried that since Raven Queen flipped the script, I might end up a king and you an outlaw?”

  “Impossible! Destiny will still prevail. I, for one, signed the Storybook of Legends!”

  “Well, I didn’t,” said Sparrow. “Who knows how this will all shake out?”

  “Indeed,” said Kitty Cheshire, shrugging her thick purplish pigtails over her shoulders and adjusting her cat-eared cap. “Maybe Cedar Wood will become a queen.”

  Kitty took a tiara from a display case, disappeared, and reappeared again behind Cedar, placing the tiara on her head.

  “And Prince Dexter Charming?” Kitty smiled hugely. Her smile lingered a moment after she disappeared. She reappeared beside Dexter, holding a broom, which she thrust into his hands. “He might become a wicked witch!”

  Dexter looked at the broom, shrugged, and gave a small laugh, glancing over at Raven as if to check what she thought.

  Kitty kept popping in and out, so quickly Apple couldn’t follow the movement, but suddenly Pinocchio’s puppet strings were tied to Humphrey Dumpty’s wrists, the Mad Hatter’s top hat was perched on Holly O’Hair’s head, Grandma’s basket-o-goodies was thrust into Hopper Croakington’s hands, and Hansel’s petrified breadcrumbs were poured into Lizzie Hearts’s pocket.

  “Kitty!” said Apple, her hands in fists. Everyone’s destiny was at stake. This was not a time for jokes!

  “Everything is upside down.” Kitty disappeared again. In a moment her smile reappeared, floating in the air but tipped downward like a frown, as if Kitty was dangling from the ceiling headfirst. The frown laughed. “What’s the matter, White Apple? Just realized you aren’t in control?”

  There was a hush in the room, the crowd waiting for Apple to respond. Perhaps to say something leader-ish and make everything all right again. But Apple hesitated. What in Ever After could she do?

  Laugh at everything like Old King Cole?

  Stomp her foot and scowl like Empress Buff?

  Smile and make eye contact like her mother?

  Nothing seemed right.

  “I… uh…” She always used to know what to say. But she also used to be Apple White, future Snow White and future queen. If Raven broke their tale, who was Apple anymore?

  The hushed moment passed. With no direction from Apple, the crowd began to talk at once.

  “Look, those are the original glass slippers!”

  “Maybe I could be a Royal now.”

  “Maybe I wouldn’t have to be a Royal now.”

  “Do you think that tiara would fit me?”

  “Stop it, you guys,” said Apple. “Please.”

  No one paid her any attention. Anger cooked Apple, and she turned to Raven. “They wouldn’t normally act like this, you know. They’re all riled up—scared even—after Legacy Day.”

  “You’re saying that this is my fault?” said Raven.

  “Well, partly, yes.”

  “It’s not, Apple,” said Raven. “It’s not all my fault. They choose what they do. I’m not making anyone do anything!”

  Apple saw Ashlynn Ella trying on a pair of elf-made shoes, her hands trembling as if she just couldn’t help herself. Apple started toward her, intending to rally her Royal friends into setting a good example, but she overheard Ashlynn say, “If I were a shoemaker instead of a princess, then I could marry whomever I wanted.”

  Hunter Huntsman set down his ax and took up a sword. “What if I’d been born a prince…?”

  He looked at Ashlynn. She blushed and turned away, her hand rising to her cheek where she’d been recently smacked with a soy turkey sausage patty.

  “I’ve decided, Ash,” Hunter whispered. “I’m giving up on my destiny. I’m going to drop out of school and become a fisherman.”

  “Hunter, no! For one thing, you’re a vegan!”

  What? He was supposed to be the Huntsman in the Snow White story, Apple’s story, not go off and become a fisherman! When had Hunter become unhappy with his destiny? And for that matter, why was Ashlynn dreaming about being a shoemaker instead of a princess? It seemed the catastrophic events of Legacy Day were infecting more people than Apple had realized.

  Shouting drew back Apple’s attention. While
she’d been eavesdropping on Hunter and Ashlynn, the crowd in the Treasury had lost all control.

  Duchess Swan was holding Humphrey’s strings and puppeting him around the room. Briar was climbing atop the Princess and the Pea stack of mattresses. Dexter zoomed by, teetering on the witch’s broom. A boy in glasses flying around on a broomstick—what a peculiar sight!

  “How do witches do this?” Dexter said, wobbling dangerously.

  The yelling grew louder, and what had been playful began to turn bad, like a pastry left too long in the oven.

  “You Royals be careful with our heirlooms—our stories matter, too, you know.”

  “Well, you Rebels be careful with ours!”

  “Watch out!”

  “Put that back!”

  “You put yours back!”

  “Rebels are so—”

  “Well, Royals are incredibly—”

  “Vermin!”

  “Tyrant!”

  “Destiny is mine! Mwa-ha-ha!”

  Twice in two days, these groups were shouting, upset, everything as upside down as Kitty Cheshire’s smile. And Apple in the middle of it all again, though this time her confidence seemed to have turned into a frog and hopped away.

  “Stop,” Apple said. But not loud enough to be heard.

  She couldn’t seem to make eye contact with anyone. And a confident smile slid off her face, leaving her with a heavy and unfamiliar frown.

  Apple was afraid. Something worse than detention would come of this. She felt it in her core. And yet she believed herself powerless to stop it.

  Narrator! Yoodle-hoo! I’ve been looking for Raven everywhere. I wanted to hear about her Yester Day.

  I think she’s a little busy right now.

  Where, in the Treasury? It’s so noisy! I didn’t know there was a party going on.

  Not a party—

  Don’t be silly. Look at everyone dancing around. This must be a party. Though, don’t tell Dexter, but falling off a witch’s broomstick is an odd way to dance. Why does Sparrow have his pockets stuffed full of—Oh! I see! It’s a Swappersnatch Gyre!

  It’s… what?

  Oh, you know! Once a year we would invade the Queen of Hearts’s castle, take things, and hide them all over Wonderland. The treasure hunt could last for months.

  Ah, yes, I learned about the Swappersnatch Gyre in my Advanced Allusions and Cross-Cultural Reference class my last year at Ever After High. But this isn’t—

  I didn’t know Ever After celebrated the Swappersnatch Gyre. What fun!

  Maddie, wait!

  RAVEN GLARED. THE NOISE WAS TWISTING her stomach and scratching at her eardrums, and she felt as if she’d landed in a nest full of giant chickens. Stranger things than finding oneself in a nest of giant chickens did occur in Ever After, not least of which was the scene before her.

  Helga and Gus Crumb were playing tug-of-war with a piece of Neversnap Taffy. Briar was dozing atop the stack of mattresses, her superpowered sleep allowing her to ignore the pea beneath them, and snoring sweetly. Sparrow and his Merry Men were improvising a truly dreadful rendition of “Stairway to Valhalla” on the Treasury’s stock of instruments, including Professor Pied Piper’s magic flute, Jack’s golden harp, and the Wicked Witch’s bongos of madness. And on top of it all were the constant shouts—Rebels and Royals yelling and name-calling and blaming each other.

  Raven just wanted to run away. Or at least find a pot of peas porridge to hide behind. But that hadn’t done much good last time.

  “This has got to stop before something gets broken!” Apple said, backing into the threshold with Raven and away from the bedlam. “Do something, Raven!”

  “Me?” said Raven. “I never asked to be a leader, and I don’t know how to be one anyway.”

  “Well, you are, whether you like it or not.”

  “I tried to stop an angry mob earlier today and nearly ended up in a river. Besides, why don’t you do something?”

  “Do what—smile and make eye contact?” said Apple.

  Raven tilted her head. “What?”

  “Nothing, never mind. I’m as mad as a hot apple dumpling because I should be able to fix this, but no one had any useful advice for me today and I… I… I don’t know what to do!”

  “Everybody calm down!” Raven yelled.

  Some people glanced her way but kept on with what they were doing.

  “They’re just choosing their own destiny. Isn’t that what you wanted?” said Blondie, wearing a full royal cape and crown.

  Raven clenched her fists and felt a crackling in her fingertips. A dozen different spells ran through her head. Could she freeze everyone? Make them levitate? Cover them in sticky goo? Turn them into lizards? That might stop the madness—but then again, the spell could backfire and turn everyone into lizards permanently. Or worse.

  “Ooh!” Maddie ran in. “A party!”

  “Maddie… wait, it’s not—” Raven started. But Maddie was already in the middle of the fray, squealing and shouting, “Happy Swappersnatch, everybody!”

  The crowd thickened, and Raven could no longer see Maddie. Raven was just about to risk that freeze spell after all when someone yelled, “The headmaster!”

  The room emptied faster than a bowl of candy in the hands of Helga and Gus.

  Raven moved out of the threshold as Headmaster Grimm, Madam Baba Yaga, and Professor Rumpelstiltskin entered. Only then did Raven realize one person had stayed behind in the Treasury.

  Maddie was standing on a giant helmet, which had fallen off a giant suit of armor. Raven could see peeking out of Maddie’s skirt pocket the brass tip of Aladdin’s lamp and a pink magic wand. On the ground below her, as if it had fallen from her pocket, lay a tiny glass unicorn.

  “Wheee!” yelled Maddie. “Don’t stop now. Let’s party on!”

  “Headmaster!” Rumpelstiltskin yelled, pointing at the unicorn. “Is that…”

  “The Uni Cairn,” the headmaster whispered.

  Baba Yaga gasped in fright. It was a sound like the inhale of a dragon, like the hiss of a giant python. A sound Raven never thought to hear from the steely dark sorceress. Was she joking? It was just a mini glass figurine, like the kind one might buy in a souvenir shop for the price of a pack of gum.

  “Back! Everyone back!” Headmaster Grimm shouted. “I need a magical perimeter now!”

  Apple and Raven backed up farther into the threshold. Maddie hopped off the helmet and joined them.

  “What is all the fussing and fretting and flustering?” she asked.

  Raven shrugged.

  The headmaster tiptoed forward, while Baba Yaga and Rumpelstiltskin stepped carefully behind him, holding out their hands, magic sparking between them.

  “Is the Uni Cairn… compromised?” asked Baba Yaga.

  “What is that thing?” Raven whispered.

  “Looks like one of those trinkets I used to collect on my dresser,” Apple whispered back.

  The headmaster took a magnifying glass from his breast pocket and peered through it.

  “Cracked,” he said in a strained whisper.

  Baba Yaga gasped. Rumpelstiltskin wailed.

  “That’s what you get for using a glass knickknack!” said Baba Yaga.

  “It was the last place anyone would look!” said the headmaster. “Besides, binding spells are most effective on glass—glass towers, glass slippers, glass mirrors…”

  Grimm was rambling, his hands trembling above the trinket.

  “Oh dear, you want me to glue your pretty toy?” Maddie asked, taking off her hat and rummaging through it. “I’m sure I have a tube of super duper glooper glue in here some—”

  “Stay back!” the headmaster yelled. “No one touch the Uni Cairn! I’ll need… let’s see… a pillow woven from fairy silk, sterling silver tweezers, and, uh… a drop of charm blossom honey. Oh, and—”

  He was interrupted by a quiet tink. The glass unicorn had moved. Milton Grimm held up his hands for silence. Raven held her breath. She suddenly fel
t afraid.

  Tink, tink, crick… The microscopic crack in its neck lengthened, and its tiny head clinked off.

  “No,” Headmaster Grimm breathed.

  A wisp of black smoke snaked out of the beheaded neck. The smoke rose, billowing bigger, wider, greater, until it filled half of the huge Treasury. Then, as if someone had turned on a humongous fan, the black cloud gusted away, revealing beneath it an enormous winged monster.

  Its body was scaled like a dragon’s but its long, clawed hands and feet were ragged with fur. Its eyes were huge and pearly white, its front teeth like some demon rabbit’s, and its tail as long as a hundred snakes.

  It hissed. Or roared. Or growled. Or shrieked. Or some mix of all four. Its head snapped around, its blind white eyes looked right at Baba Yaga, who was chanting a spell. It hiss/roar/growl/shrieked at her. Baba Yaga shrieked back. The monster flinched, turned, and flew through a window. Only the window was much too small, so technically it flew through the wall.

  “Chase it!” shouted Headmaster Grimm.

  “It’s too late,” said Rumpelstiltskin.

  “I didn’t get a chance to finish my containment spell,” Baba Yaga said, her shoulders slumping. “Now that it’s gone, there is no hunting it. There is only waiting for it to attack. It will likely go into hiding for years to recuperate. But when it returns, all of Ever After will feel its wrath.”

  “What was that?” Raven asked.

  Maddie, Lizzie Hearts, and Kitty Cheshire—the three Wonderlandians—were standing together just outside the Treasury, their backs to the wall, their eyes wide. At the same time, they said, “The jabberwocky.”

  THE NEXT MORNING, TALKING FROGS AWOKE the school. Apple heard the wet slaps of their hops coming down the hall before she heard their voices.

  “All students, report to the Charmitorium. Croooak. All students to the Charmitorium at once. Crooooooooak.”

  “Nooo…” Raven croaked from under her covers, not unlike a talking frog. “It’s the weekend. No school today. Must. Sleep. In.”

  “No sleeping in today,” croaked a frog from the corridor.

  Apple stretched, dressed, and ran a comb through her golden curls. Raven was still trying to work a brush through her black-and-purple snarls when Apple left to meet up with Blondie and Briar. They sat in their usual high-backed, plush box seats in the Charmitorium.